


When The Words Just Won't Come Out

by allthefeeels



Category: Carmilla (Web Series) RPF, Carmilla - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Carmilla - Freeform, Carmilla RPF - Freeform, F/F, If you don't like RPF then don't read, Negovanman - Freeform, No disrespect to Elise or Natasha this is just my little fangirl mind going a little nuts, RPF, Unfinished, carmilla web series, cliffhanger ending, natasha's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 20:39:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8504611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthefeeels/pseuds/allthefeeels
Summary: After wrapping the final season of Carmilla things were … different, to say the least. Saying goodbye to something that we loved so very much, to something who impacted us on such a monumental level, to something that brought us together it was bittersweet and incredibly hard. One person changed everything for me, changed my whole world.But I screwed up. I screwed up big time. She was drifting away from me. And it was all my fault.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic [insert grimacing emojis here] so yeah.  
> This is an RPF fic so if you have any triggers don't read it. No disrespect to Natasha or Elise, whether they may or may not be dating, this is just a little something I decided to write. I respect their choices, whatever they may be. I love them both and will love them no matter what. As it's stated it is RPF, fiction. Basically everything in this is fiction except for parts that are based on actual events like the end of Carmilla, FanExpo etc. I won't say much more because it might spoil it so yeah.  
> Hope you guys like it :D

##### August 12th: The Night We Wrapped Carmilla

_Cut._

The words tore through me like a bullet, breaking apart my insides and every fibre of my being. I looked over at Elise who looked like she was about to fall apart too, the two of us staring at each other, a mutual unspoken feeling crackled in the air between us, tears welling up in our eyes.

“What do you think guys?” I had barely noticed Spencer and Steph walking up to us. “Do you think we got it?” Still looking at each other the unspoken feeling started bubbling its way to the surface.

“Yeah,” simultaneously speaking and falling into each other’s arms. A spot in which we stayed for, what must have been an hour letting all the emotions break free. By the end, most of the cast and crew had left the space and it was just the two of us sitting in the empty set. It was Elise who made the first move. Still holding on, she pulled her head back so that our tear stained faces could see each other, her eyes staring into mine, puffy from crying. The air between us crackling once again with the unspoken emotions. I still don’t know how much time passed in that moment, it could have been seconds or minutes, but all I could do was stare at her. Frozen. I wanted to burst with everything I wanted to say, I wanted to scream with all my might, tell her everything. And she waited, patient, searching. My mouth opened yet nothing came out. She took a deep breath and that’s when I knew. A small, woeful, understanding smile formed on her face. She started to untangle herself. And that’s when I knew. She put her hands on my cheeks wiping away the tears that had started to fall again. Kissing my forehead before hurriedly walking out, wiping her hand across her eyes. And like that she was gone. And that’s when I knew. That’s when I knew I'd screwed up.

* * *

##### September

Carmilla Season 3 is dropping in 15 days and the Creampuffs are buzzing with excitement. She’d be on twitter occasionally liking tweets and interacting with fans and friends. I was too. We tweeted each other a couple of times and sometimes it felt like nothing had ever happened. But just as quickly as it came the moment was gone.

I got a call from Steph a couple days later. It was time for us to get ready for the drop, plan and write news segments and fully inform us all of our “duties” in the upcoming weeks. We were all supposed to go to a few meetings.

“Natasha, you there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’ll be there.” And with that I hung up the phone. I hung up on Steph. Wh-- I knew exactly why, my brain was still trying to process it all. She’ll be seeing Elise again, talking to Elise again. For the first time in over a month. Shit.

The next day was just a mess, a flurry of overthinking, anxiety, stress, heartache. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Collapsing onto the couch, I was greeted by a concerned Charlie, who laid his head on my lap in support and comfort.

And then one morning I woke up with a new found resolve. I knew what I was going to do. What I _had_ to do.

*******

On the day of the first meeting I was up at 6am. I didn’t need to be in the office until 11 but I was driven. I knew what I had to do and nothing was going to stop me.

But it seemed the universe had other plans.

With my third cup of coffee in hand I walked in to the conference room. I was the first one here. Even Steph wasn’t here yet. Geez. Sitting down at the table I felt myself buzzing. Literally. Glancing at the clock:

10:59

_Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick_

Steph walked in a little after 11 (okay, at 11:02, not that I was checking) looking tired, frazzled and a little overwhelmed. Looking up from her phone she finally clocked me sitting at the table.

“Natasha…” her brow furrowed, clearly surprised to see me in here. She hurriedly finished the text she was writing and sent it off. “Hi. Sorry, I didn’t see you, what are you doing here so early? You’re normally one of the last in,” an amused, smug look painted her face.

“I-I woke up early, thought I’d get here on time. For once.” The last sentence said with a little more gusto. Steph quirked her eyebrow and began setting up for the meeting.

“So how’ve you been?” We continued talking for a bit, Kaitlyn and Annie joining in when they arrived. But I wasn’t completely into it. My eyes focusing on the door as I watched Sharon, Aaron, Matt, Nicole, Sophia and Shannon stride into the room. Yet the one person I really wanted, needed to see wasn’t anywhere in sight.

Kaitlyn took notice of this, they were always a little too observant.

“She’s not coming,” that got my attention. Kaitlyn was staring right at me, a weird look etched on their face. What was that? Contempt? Sympathy? A combination of both maybe.

“W-what?”

“She called me up last night. She can’t make it. She’s still in Montreal. We gave you guys pretty late notice so,” Steph spoke up this time. I looked around the room, met with faces of people who were “in the know”. My face fell slightly, enough for Steph to pick it up. “She didn’t call you?”

“No. No, she didn’t,” the only person who didn’t seem surprised by this was Kaitlyn.


	2. Don't say anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get pretty angsty.

We had a couple more meetings without Elise. I didn’t have nearly as much resolve as I did in that first meeting, and I was back to being one of the last ones to arrive. We were all well informed on what was going to be happening for this season. Elise and I were going to do a live stream and live watch each week. One week with Kaitlyn and one week with Annie. In the second to last meeting before FanExpo we conferenced called with Elise to give her the down low of everything happening in the next few weeks.

“Okay guys! I’ll see you when I get back!” Her voice was like cheerful and bright, like sunshine. “Steph, the next meeting is on Thursday yeah?” 

“Yep. We’ll see you then.” 

“Bye guys,” a chorus of goodbyes echoed through the conference room, everyone’s except mine. And she knew it. “Bye Natasha,” this time it was her curt tone that echoed through the room. Everyone was silent. 

“Bye.” I said a microsecond too late, the dial tone ringing in my ears. The room was awkward and tense, everyone could see what was happening. 

“Alright guys, I guess we’re done for today. See you Thursday.” And with that Steph began packing up and people left. Until only Annie and I were left.

“Natasha…” My arms lay lazily across the table, a perfect spot for my head to fall into. “What--“ 

“I know, okay. I know.” 

“We need to talk about this.” 

“Not here.” 

We sat in silence on the drive back to my apartment. Scrambling through the door, not bothering to shut it, I collapsed onto the couch. A minute later the lock clicked and Annie was standing in front of me, arms crossed.

“Speak.” 

“What do you want me to say?” 

“What the hell is going on with you two?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Natash--“ 

“No. That’s just it. Nothing is going on with us. Absolutely nothing.” And with that I broke. I told Annie what happened that night we wrapped. I told her how I felt. I told her what I was going to do the day of our first meeting. I told her what I was going to say. I told her everything. Somewhere in between my mess of tears she’d joined me on the couch, listening intently as I spilled everything. 

“Natasha,” she sighed, placing her hand on my leg. “I-I don’t know what to say.” 

“Yeah…” We sat in silence for a few minutes before she finally spoke up again. 

“Firstly. Did you think we didn’t know?” I stared at her, giving her a nod/shrug -- yeah. “Oh hon. The whole cast and crew knew. We know how the two of you feel about each other. The only people who didn’t know were you guys! We thought that when it ended you guys could admit your feelings and finally get together.” 

“What- I--" 

“That’s what we thought was happening that night, you guys had hung on to each other for like an hour and a half. Kait, Steph and I were trying to usher people out the entire time. You guys finally had a chance to talk and then Elise came out crying again. She wouldn’t let us ask about it.” I sat there, speechless. “She’s talked to Kait about it a bit. I don’t know that much. But I know she’s hurting like crazy. You need to talk to her Natasha. She knows, deep down she knows. She just needs you to say it. She needs to hear you say it.” 

“I know.” It came out as barely a whisper but Annie heard me.

*******

She got back from Montreal the next day. 

I went to her apartment and stood outside her building from morning right up until the sun went down. I didn’t buzz her apartment. I just stood there. Too scared to do anything. I’m pretty sure she knew I was there.

##### Thursday. The final meeting.

I was on my way out to catch my Uber when I found Charlie throwing up on the terrace, I dropped everything and used my Uber to rush him to the vet. I missed the meeting but got a report from Annie later that day. “Believe it or not, she did the exact thing you did that first day. She kept her eye on the door the entire time.” My head fell backward and heaved a sigh.

##### FanExpo

I woke up with a familiar steely resolve. Today was the day. It’s going to happen today. She wasn’t at the office where everyone was getting ready, she’d gone back to Montreal – a family emergency. She was only just going to make it in time. But I wasn’t phased. When she bounded into the convention center I was almost jumping out of my skin. She made her way round the group. Hugging everyone. When she got to me, well, awkward is one way to describe it. She smiled brightly at me, a smile that seemed too bright to be real, and gave me a hug. I didn’t realize how much I sank into it, how deeply I hugged her back until she cleared her throat and pulled away looking a lot more unsettled than before. I didn’t give her the opportunity to say anything because I grabbed her arm pulling her through the lobby, past the curious faces of our co-stars and into the back corner. This time it was her turn to not let me speak.

“Natasha don’t,” she sighed. “You don’t have to say anything. It’s okay. I get it. It took me a bit of time but I understand,” she grabbed my hands in hers. “Don’t say anything.” This time she was whispering, pleading.

“Elise, n—" her head bowed, staring down at her shoes.

“Please… I don’t want to hurt anymore. So just-- please?” She was looking back at me now. Her eyes boring deep into my soul. Those eyes… oh what I would give to just-- “I miss you. I miss my best friend.”

“I miss you too.” She heard the sincerity in my voice, the heartache. And suddenly she was confused again. Her face was curved with a fury of emotions. Searching my eyes with hers. In that moment, all I wanted to do was tell her she had it wrong. I wanted to kiss her and tell her I loved her. And I almost did. Until...

“Yo, guys!” Shannon was calling us over. She gave my hands a final squeeze before letting go and plastering excited expression across her face to greet the others. She was better at hiding it than I was. We were all gathered in the marshaling area waiting to do our panel. Shannon was snapchatting everyone, Elise doing cartwheels, faceswaps, filters, it was almost hard to watch.

Suddenly they were calling us into the panel room and Elise and I got up. Looked at each other and plastered our game faces on for the fans. The panel came way easier than I thought it would, we were back into our old rhythms, and I think in that time we forgot anything ever happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the date of FanExpo was September 2nd but I decided to push it to later in the month so the story can be a bit more dragged out.


	3. I'm yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit gets real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I shifted the dates a little to accommodate the story, I wanted it to be drawn out a bit longer.

A few weeks had passed since FanExpo, we had to do a couple of press stuff, red carpet appearances, TIFF, basically we avoided everything we were feeling and made ourselves believe we were back to being “best friends”. And just like FanExpo, we fell back into it seamlessly. I think it was somewhat therapeutic, making ourselves believe it, making ourselves forget. Then she left for Australia. I didn’t talk to her in this time, she was busy, she was having fun, I didn’t want to ruin it.

It was a Friday night, a week before we drop Act II and I was on the couch with Charlie who was sleeping soundly beside me. They were airing reruns of shows but I wasn’t really watching. It was raining cats and dogs outside, clawing at my window. I got up from the couch, stirring Charlie awake, and walked to the window. Toronto has always been a beautiful city, especially at night, the rain just made it sparkle even more. I didn’t even realise I’d been standing at the window, watching the rain for a while until I heard a familiar theme song playing. Orphan Black. We used to watch it together, or rather Elise used to force me to watch it. She’d invite me to her apartment whenever it was on. It got to a point where she didn’t even need to invite me - I’d just turn up at her apartment with sweet snacks and some healthy kale crap so she wouldn’t feel so bad binging on the junk. I don’t think I ever really watched the episodes to be honest, I was too busy watching her.

I was brought back to reality by Charlie who was barking at me to take him out. We were out on the street when I realized what I needed to do. Rushing back into the apartment I left Charlie with a bowl of water and some food, grabbed a raincoat and my keys and left the apartment in a whirlwind. I don’t drive. I don’t bike. I either Uber’d or walked. So I walked. In the pouring rain. She didn’t live that far away anyways. Plus, it gave me time to fully think through what I was doing, what I was going to say. Five minutes into this impromptu journey I was soaked through to the bone and shaking in my boots but I’m not turning back. As I turned onto her street I found a corner store still open, running in I raided the confectionery aisle for chocolates and gummy bears before making my way to the health food section and grabbing a packet of kale cookies. Disgusting… but she loved it.

_Buzzzzzzz. Buzzzzzzzz. Buzzzzzzz._

Come on, Elise. Come on.

_Buz--_

“Yes?” Clearly somewhat annoyed by the incessant buzzing.

“Elise.”

“Natasha,” she breathed. Her tone filled with a mix of emotions. Surprise, concern, relief? “What-- Why are you out, it’s pouring.”

“I—" but before I could say any more the door had already clicked open. There’s no way in hell I’m turning back now. The elevator doors opened and I pressed the number to her floor, I could hear the steady drops of water puttering on the elevator floor, forming small puddles around my feet. I caught my reflection in the elevator doors dinged open and boy, I did not look good at all. I squelched down the hallway to her door. I didn’t get the chance to knock when the door swung open and she was standing in front of me. I don’t think she expected me to look so reminiscent of a drowned rat because her jaw fell open.

“Orphan Black is on tonight.” I brought up the rain-soaked packets in my hands and she chuckled. She actually chuckled. But then her face grew somber.

“Natasha, st--” I dropped the packets on the ground and took a step closer to her. Her face screwed up, close to tears.

“No, please, I need to say something.” her fear and yearning tinged eyes fell over my face, searching for the thing she needed most. And she got it. “Elise…” My eyes filled up with tears. “I love you. I. Love. You.” She was crying now, everything from the last couple months, everything that we’d bottled up, all the emotions were spewing out.

“No, no, no,” she gasped between sobs, backing away into her apartment, but I followed. Her balled up fists began hitting my chest. “No, no, stop. I can’t, Natasha. I can’t,” I grabbed her wrists to stop her but she fought back and for a second I let her. She squirmed out of my grip and wiped away the tears falling on her face. “Natasha—"

“Elise, I love you I’ve known it since day one. I’ve known it since our first kiss in that stupid supply closet. I’ve known it since you were in my old apartment baking me some weird healthy pizza because you’d just found the recipe and were eager to share it. I’ve know it since you turned up on my doorstep that one time, arms full of icecream and goodies, just because you missed me. But I never let myself admit it. Not for a long time. Because I was scared. I was foolish. I’ve wanted to say it since we wrapped season 2 when I finally gave in to my feelings. I’ve wanted to say it every day since then. I wanted to say it when we were dancing around my apartment to You And Me. And I most definitely wanted to say it that night,” her face crumbles again because she knows exactly which night I’m talking about. I’m trying to keep it together, but the next few sentences come out between sobs. “That night when we were sitting in the middle of our set. And you waited, but I didn’t say it. And I curse myself every day because I didn’t. I know you waited. You waited for me to call or text or anything. But I didn’t. And I’m so sorry, Elise. I’m so sorry.”

“Natasha…” She was backing away again, but I reached down and grabbed her hand, pulling her in. I held her face in my hands, wiping away the tears as they fell. Her face, her lips, inches away from mine. I rested my forehead against hers and I felt her sobs course through my body.

“I love you, Elise Janae Bauman. I love you. Without you I feel like I’m drowning, like the air in my lungs is all but extinct. But then you walk in and with one look at you I can breathe again. My whole life falls in line.” I swallow hard, catching my breath, forcing myself to remain coherent. “And I know, I know I hurt you and I hate myself every single day. I hate myself because I didn’t have the guts to say it before, and I hate it’s taken this to make me finally say it. But I love you, and it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do. I promise you, I will for as long as I live. I’m yours. Forever.” I hold her around the waist and I can feel her falling apart in my arms but she looks at me, her face etched with emotion, she’s still crying but her eyes soften. She’s so beautiful. She’s so perfect.

“Natasha…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah its like July 2018 now and thought I would just replace the note that was here... there's never gonna be a second part to this. I apologize. I lost inspiration for this a long, long time ago and never got a chance to ammend this. But I will say this, I know I had planned for Elise to melt in Natasha's arms, and after an appropriate amount of angst they would actually get together for realises. They'd go back to doing a bit of a dance after this, even though Elise confesses her own feelings. Just to get that slow burn yknow. Hope this adds a little closure.

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a 3 part series. The first part will be from Natasha’s POV, part 2 Elise’s and then a final part which I haven’t exactly decided what it’s going to be yet, (or maybe I have and just want to keep some of the suspense. One never knows) we shall see ;)
> 
> I wrote this fic to the tune (haha pun) of I Get To Love You by Ruelle. The title of the series is one of the lines from the song (except the part in brackets). Have a listen to the song. It's beautiful <3


End file.
